GRANDMOTHERHOOD AND FEMINISM

Roxie, our newest grandchild, being held by her great grandmother, Bobbie.  As someone who knew none of my grandparents, I am in awe.  Leanne, our daughter-in-law, brings to us a long, known history of family in North Carolina.

An additional pleasure around Roxie's  birth was the arrival of several of them--an extension of her familial experience to Ron and me which we experienced with great pleasure.

Being with Bobbie, now a "great" for the second time at 80, made me aware again about how we cannot generalize about aging.  Though she is only seven years old than I, our lives could not be more different.  She had put off important surgery to be ready for the trip to New York for Roxie's birth.  Would I do that?  I doubt it, but this may be more about personality difference.

Yet her values seem to be what many young couples hope for from today's grandmothers:  that we will direct our energy to our grandchildren as Bobbie has.  This is not a surprise if you stop to think about it.  Those of us who identify as feminists have not done the work needed to conceputalize grandmotherhood as a particular role, one changed by the opportunities we've had beyond those of our own mothers, changed by lifestyle shifts.

Even though I know better, I always have certain expectations of New York City which prides itself on being the epitome of contemporary life,  different from Baltimore where I'd spent almost 30 years.  Three years ago, I joined The Transition Network, a new organization, that described itself--

...facing transitions by dynamically taking control of their lives. Most of us are in our fifties and sixties, and represent a spectrum of professions in business, government, health care, academia, not-for-profits and the arts.

TTN has been a way for me to find other women who have moved to the City and seek new ways of shaping retirement.  (Yes, everyone hates the "r"-word but this is minor compared to other issues of aging.)  Two things, however, have unsettled me.  When I took out my knitting at an internal TTN committee meeting, one woman looked startled and disapproving.  Curious, I thought, on the KnitU listserv, there are knitting lawyers, doctors.  Maybe not in New York?

Also puzzling is that the the group has not had programs to discuss this new role for our generation of women--grandmotherhood--though many members are just that.  At a monthly meeting last week, I was surprised to be handed a photo of grandchildren.  That was a first! Before I could retreive my own, the speaker had begun.  I knit.  Someone spoke to me afterwards about the vest I was wearing; we talked knitting--another first.

What's needed by women fifty-plus who are grandmothers is a conscious effort among ourselves to explore how and why we are reluctant to consider this as an area of study.    Perhaps earlier in our lives we were so focused on being identified in our work roles outside of mothering that we have not made the shift.  What does it mean to be a grandmother in the 21st century; who am I with a major career in my past and rolelessness in my present.  The latter is an issue for retired women who are not grandmothers: what do we share in this?

Feminists writers, the few that will identify themselves in that way, have a narrow focus on older women, usually directed to frailty in aging.   Important as this is, we need to empower ourselves earlier in the aging years by thinking and writing about where we see ourselves in the cycle of parenting.

New roles for grandfathers too.  Ron knits, awaiting his turn to hold Roxie, after her time with Leanne's father.  I expected my spouse to be comfortable with a new baby and was intrigued, once again, with Chuck's equal comfort with her.  So much for stereotypes about engineers!

[I hope for others' ideas about the above--from various perspectives, including those young mothers who visit here.  Is there a place for a new category, Grandmotherhood Now, on this blog?]

Comments

[Kristen in Australia]

I think it's good to remember that Grandmotherhood doesn't occur in isolation to the rest of your life. The grandparents in our childrens' lives have made huge changes in their availability and committment to active grandparenting depending on their current relationships and work committments.

[eve]

I think it's a very personal decision, how a person perceives their own grandmotherhood. My mother did not spend any time caregiving when my girls were born, but my mother-in-law stayed with me for a few days after births to cook and give me time to rest. Both born in China. My mom is the more modern of the 2 -- speaking English, retired early and able to drive, and my MIL still working then as a seamstress, but taking days off. My mom waited until they were older (and toilet-trained :-D) and took them shopping and to shows. I would probably do both.

[marianne]

I haven't had much of a problem making the shift; but I'm sure this has a lot to do with my life choices. One, I have five children spanning 20 years, so mothering has been a continum into grandmothering. And secondly, my occupation as a kindergarten teacher has kept me so close to the young mother's world. Homemaking (which to me encompasses parenting as father or mother)is a spiritual gesture to me, not a practical 'who keeps the house clean?' thing. There is so much to the holding of family. And at the risk of sounding cliche, I believe it does take a village to raise our young.

That said, I do try to focus on finding my balance of retired self and grandmother. I try to be really conscious of the choices and commitments I take on as grandmother, assuring myself the space to live life to it's fullest in my retirement years: travel, education, hobbies, etc, etc, etc.

Just my musings here. Thanks for the opportunity to consider aloud!

[doulicia]

I am going to have to ponder this more and probably construct a post about it. There's a lot to this. The two immediate thoughts I have are 1) we mothers need feminist role models of grandmothering, just as in our youth, we needed feminist images/models of mothers. And as our childhood images of strong women ranged from our own working mothers to Jane Goodall or Barbara Jordan (just recalling a few of my own), I think "feminist grandmothers" can be many different ways. On the other hand, new mothers need some "mothering" themselves, whether it comes from their mothers, fathers, in-laws, friends or doulas! But to assume the new grandmother is the best (or, even if best, the most willing) person for that role is not necessary. I'd have loved having a feminist grandmother, off helping the poor in Central America or on an artistic retreat in Taos, hire me a postpartum doula and send me a graphic novel to read while I nursed!

The second thing I immediately thought was shared surprise that TTN hasn't taken explored the role/identity/life stage of grandparent. It seems an area so rich for discussion on so many different levels.

I'll have to think more. Thanks for the thoughts.

[Marian Van Eyk McCain]

Thanks for this interesting post.
You ask: "What does it mean to be a grandmother in the 21st century...?" Two answers come immediately to my mind.
The first is that, thanks to feminism, we are much less constrained by societal roles than our foremothers were and far freer than they were to craft our own, preferred ways of being in the world. In my book, 'Elderwoman' I have written that the beauty of being an elderwoman in the 21st Century is that unlike our ancestors we can live our so-called 'third age' according to our own choices and preferences. The same applies to our roles as grandparents. We are free to define what grandmotherhood means to each of us, as individuals. So there may be (and I hope there will be) as many answers to your question as there are grandmothers in our society.
My second answer is more of a personal belief than a general statement but it is also something I've written about extensively, and that's about the importance of restoring elders to their rightful place in the culture as wise guides. There's a responsibility that goes along with that. It's a responsibility to stay aware and well-informed and ever-mindful of the 'big picture'. To have a global perspective even when we're acting locally. So for me, part of being a 21st Century grandmother is taking an interest in how our society parents and educates all its children, not just my grandchildren.(And it's not doing a very good job of that right now, IMHO)
Another part of my own 21st Century grandmothering is exchanging e-mails with my five-year-old, twin grandsons, whom I only see once a year because we live on opposite sides of the Atlantic. (Huge fun -- and time-consuming because they usually put in requests for graphics . "Nana, please will you put a triceratops on my e-mail tomorrow?")
Marian Van Eyk McCain

[sahara]

I'm glad you're bringing women out of their comfort zones to deal with these issues.

Southern women such as Bobbie and African-American women have different values which are more family centered. It's not opposed to feminism; it's simply acceptance of who you are, and you're role in life, if you want it.

None of the women in my family ever thought of themselves as frail. but then, they never performed jobs that were intellectual (knowledge work). I'm always being shown pics of grandkids. The only women I know who don't look forward to it yet, are my friends under 45.

An important issue to me is, the lack of support for grandmothers who have to take care of grandkids, because of parental trauma. Many of these sisters are still working, or now have to go back to work, just when they thought they could slow down and rest, and just enjoy being only grandmothers. Now, they are mothers again. How do you prepare for THIS role?

I know many women have a problem with aging, and being a grandmother in American society says just that. It's sad. It's because of feminism that women today are taking better care of themselves and are healthy enough to do more with their grandkids. Shucks, gotta go, will write again.

[Muffy Moose Olson]

Well, I just wrote a long dissertation on being a grandmother and because I didn't do the next step right I wiped it all out. Soooo I'll be brief: I'm a grandma 7 times: 3 boys and 4 girls. I was there for the birth of each one of them, even tho one was born in Alaska and three in CA. Email keeps me close to the ones who live far away. (One is now in France. We have a telephone connection so we talk as well as email). My middle son, Randy, isn't married so HIS CHILD is his crazy, wild movie: Flock of Dodos and I am definitely Grandma to THAT child being Muffy Moose in the movie. I guess my greatest advice is KEEP ON SMILING no one wants to see a GROUCHY OLE GAL especially kids!

[sarcozona]

This doesn't directly apply to your post, but I was wondering how much of an influence older women were for you when you were younger. I'm in my 20s and my grandmother has been a tremendous support and influence for me. While my own parents tend toward extremist positions, my grandmother's tempered wisdom and emphasis on moderation have led me to be far less judgemental and more thoughtful than I think I would have been otherwise. I want to know and be friends with older women - I feel I could benefit so much. But it's not something that is very easy - I rarely get the chance to interact with older people. I know that I am not alone - my friends and I frequently discuss our grandmothers and older relatives and when they are gone we desperately miss them and want to find other people to fill that role for us.