Housing Ourselves in Late Life

"Can we talk?" that Joan Rivers comedy opener works for this not-funny post.

Name the unspeakable for older Americans, you might think "death."  And after that?  Moving from where I live right now to any sort of shared housing.  The range is quite extensive from retirement communities to cohousing.  We do not want to deal with the idea of our last move?

I know this from my personal life and my Elderblog efforts.  It's harder as the years go by.  Those who made the change from an individual house to a retirement community in their sixities could be seen as "early adapters."  That's one time of choice:  when the idea of a Sun City, golf course may fit a longed-for lifestyle.  It's usually husband/wife couples who make this choice.

My spouse and I moved from a large house to an apartment in New York City.  Both of us had been  NYC apartment dwellers, looked forward to returning to a larger city than Baltimore, were tired of house maintenance.  That was 13 years ago; we're in our seventies now, have thought more about where we want to live ten years from now.  Do we wait till then?  Do we wait till one of us is alone  to make that change?

Ronni Bennett's post this week, Rethinking Living Arrangements, was a great surprise.  I was sure that my interest in collaborative living ideas was not shared by her.   I was wrong, she made clear in a strong declaration, following a bad bout of illness:

One of the things that repeatedly ran through my foggy head during the past four or five days is that old people should not live alone.

Here then is my second or third effort to have us talk.   The comments left at Ronni's blog mirrored the struggle we share in making this decision.  Could we go  beyond the "I know I should but..."  stage and figure out a way to talk back and forth about what we've learned in trying to decide what to do next?

In 1991, Jane Porcino wrote a very useful book, "Living Longer, Living Better," based on her own search.  She found small group living situations around the country where older people pooled resources and responsibilities.   Two years later, Ron and I met her in a group attempting to begin one of those ideas, cohousing, in New York City.  Later Jane and Chet moved into an  early cohousing community in upstate New York.  Was she ahead of her time...will these ideas have more resonance with a changed economy?

It would stretch Elderblogging for me if readers of Time Goes By , of other blogs would figure out a way for us to have an ongoing conversation about late life housing choices--retirement communities, assisted living, fulltime RVing.  You can find Jane Porcino's book for $1.00 online.   There's a website for a Cohousing Association with links to books and blogs about it.  Anyone know of bloggers in retirement communities/assisted living?

UPDATE: Visitor response to this post has been both surprising and gratifying.  Today, Monday morning, December 8, more comments than any other post since I began in March 2006.  It's clear that we want to talk and share resources.  I'm adding a new Category in the column at the left, HOUSING OURSELVES... will return to the topic regularly.    Guest Blogs on your  process are welcome...also  in-depth information/interviews from elders who have made this transition.

Comments

[Kay Dennison]

I am tentatively considering moving in the spring depending on what I can find that I can stand to live in. This place has lost its charm. I won't go to a senior building -- there's no space in the ones I can afford. Why do they think a person should give up everything just because he/she is old?

[m.e.]

Remember when they used to talk about "how to survive the coming crash"--the worldwide financial meltdown? I think that was a popular book back in the early 80s. The one thing I seem to remember of what the author suggested as a way to survive was rental housing in a small town. In other words, buy a big house/duplex/triplex in a small town and rent out the extra space. I'm still checking this out. Problem is, where does the old grandma get to live? Not on the top floor, which the young couple wants, and the stairs to which her knees can't handle, and not on the main floor, which the middle-aged family with kids has claimed. That leaves the basement. Um....

[lilalia]

I am very much looking forward to this conversation both here and on Ronni's site. The topic of "alternative living" is very much in the minds of people here; perhaps because we are an "older" group of people than you in the state. That is proportionately. Co-op living initiatives are popping up all around. Some of them are women initiatives, others are mixed, some (which I prefer) are multi-generational. The hardest thing, beyond the finances, is for people to see co-habitation as a free choice and not an obligation. Please do tell us what you area considering.

[Claude]

I just am not ready to consider anything like this. I can consider death with no qualms but moving out of my beloved flat is just something that, I feel, would kill me.
Maybe I'll change my mind, and I do admire people who make different decisions. It might also have to do with the sort of assisted living conditions you see people in... In this country, I see those places as the antechamber to the cemetery. So I'd rather keep to my own flat as an antechamber ;)

[m.e.]

i think that's very wise, claude. besides, who WOULD move if they had a flat in paris? not me! the group/assisted living places here are quite varied in attractiveness and desirability. but the waiting lists reveal them for what you say they are: antechambers to the cemetery. you can't get in unless someone vacates their apartment, most often by joining the motes circulating in the celestial sunbeam....

[Rhea]

Although I am younger than some of the others here I have long thought about how to live in a community. I am single but have a roommate. In fact, over the recent past, I've had several different roommates. They have been fabulous and have added to my life in an amazing way. I think cohousing is also a very nice way to live. There is a cohousing community in my Boston neighborhood. A number of folks there are 50+, yet there are younger people, too. Everyone has their own apt. but shares some common space. It is a very reasonable way to keep some privacy yet not be alone!

[Lydia]

Marlys Marshall Styne at http://seniorwriter.blogspot.com/
is moving in January 08 to The Clare at Water Tower lifetime care community in Chicago. She has posted about her decision, and her recent knee replacement surgeries prior to the move, extensively at her blogs.

Communal living makes sense but the privacy issue would be huge for me. For the long term, a community like the one Marlys is moving to sounds fantastic (but she admits it's expensive and surely more than I'll be able to afford at her age). I really worry about the future with the frightening shortage of nurses now, as it's bound to get worse especially in senior environments.

[Anne]

I live upstairs from my son and daughter-in-law. We have a small house divided into two apartments, so I have a lot of privacy. The down side is that I'm living in a city where I don't know very many people, and in a neighbourhood of mostly young folks. So for me this is OK but not a permanent solution.

A dear friend's parents, in their early 90s, live in a seniors co-op in her town. It is run like regular co-op housing with an age restriction. My friend's parents have a small self-contained apartment and are surrounded by friends. There's a community area where potluck meals are held weekly as a social function, and like any co-op the place requires some form of participation in the running of the place. I guess this is a kind of poor person's cohousing, as you don't own your place, you simply "own" a share in the co-op and pay a "housing charge" (rent).

Another friend's mother invited several friends to move into her home after her husband died. Together they paid for a housekeeper. There were I think issues with getting along together, but overall I think my friend's mother was satisfied with the arrangement.

Living with family is OK, I enjoy having the grandchildren just downstairs, and I think I'd be happy as a clam here if I just knew more older women in town. Selling my share of this house is not an option right now, but I am working toward getting myself into a community of like-minded folks within the next 5 years, most likely some kind of co-op arrangement. I guess I'm not old enough (I'm 60 now) to really think seriously about nursing care, although I suppose that is something one ought to think about before one really needs it.

[Marlys Marshall Styne]

I was alerted to this site by Lydia. Senior housing is a topic very important to me, since, as Lydia said, I have already finalized my plan to move the The Clare at Water Tower in Chicago. I am 76, and still reecovering from knee replacement surgery. My moving date is January 9, and the condo where I live now has not sold yet.

Am I in trouble? Perhaps. I've chosen the most expensive senior community I'm aware of, and in these times, I can barely afford it. Still, I have hopes that everything will work out. I have no children to help me out, and I need the security of a lifetime care facility in a location I love.

This is a big problem for most people when they reach old age. You can follow my struggle, and see how everything turns out, on "Never too Late!" Perhaps the most important consideration is that there's no "best solution" that fits everyone. Do take charge of the situation, though.

[Maud Tewksbury]

Of course, there is the infamous Code Name Nora who wrote about life in her senior residence. Despite the pratfalls she described and the often denigrating tone she took, it seemed apparent that she greatly enjoyed the companionship of the Twilight Zone. She certainly made it sound lively. I wonder what she is doing now?

[lala r]

From Seattle: Living alone can lose it's charm. In our area there are "cottage communities" springing up. Ten to twelve 1000 sqare foot cottages around a communal "village green." The homes seem managable and the community life is attractive. Young couples, ond and young singles and a couple of small pets form the community. People who choose this option choose it because they want to be good neighbors...helping each other and looking our for each other. If your health holds up it seems a good opition for living alone but not being alone.

[ellen]

This is a great topic. I am a married lesbian. I'm 59 and my spouse is 44. We have often talked with our friends about living arangements as we age, and are in agreement that some kind of group arrangement would be ideal.

[ernestine]

I moved from my country home a year and a half ago to the middle of the big city to be children and grandchilden.
I do not like it. I am planning on building a smaller home back in my small town. Everything and everyone is familiar. My son drove me to that area early this morning to look at my plans.
I made the remark "maybe I am past the age of doing this". His reply "I think you are alright for another 10 years"
He basically said "go for it". He mentioned I would be far from family.
When I say far I mean 50 minutes. So I have not made a definite decision and am heading in that direction. In 10 years I will may be ready for some other type housing. I have rolled past 3 score and 10.

[Linda - SE PA]

I am glad to see this topic opened and for those of who read Ronni, it being re-opened.

I've had to give more thought on it since my posting. I am not surprised that many are still - no, not me. I understand and would that I could, be joining the no, not me group. However, in re-thinking, I find it may be more inviting for a person who owns their living quarters to do the inviting rather than be the one seeking out. I am, because of recent times, more of a solitude than I had been. I like a balance - work, talk with a few friends and then quiet time. This balance is much easier to talk of than to keep in practice. So, yes for me also, privacy would be an issue. Another issue for me would be that I rarely have music or tv on as background when I read. I like silence and am quite comfortable with it.

The current economic picture may sway people in the direction of shared living. I am deeply saddened by stories I have read of people living in cars and tents. I question a friend who allows their friend to sleep in a tent in the backyard.

In times of need, I offered my small rental to friends. They didn't accept nor did they have to as they eventually found alternative solutions. My rental was a one bedroom which would have meant "we" live on our open up sofa bed and live in the living room. We had a captain/ship like kitchen which meant all meals would be eaten out or in the living room. I found it heartbreaking that at a time, when I could have used a leg up, that same friend, who had a spare bedroom did not offer and said sorry, I cannot help. It was devestating to hear and although I said I understand (because I do), it was a deep hurt.

And so in closing, I sense many of us are going to have re-think our options. Co-housing seems okay but I sense will shut some folks out in the current economic climate because of finances. In days gone by, boarding houses were commonplace and I sense the time is coming for the return. Regretfully, house design has changed since that time and current McMansions are more large room space that would have to be remodeled - an expense I don't think too many would undertake.

[Boomer1]

Great topic in light of the difficult economic times we seem to have found ourselves. My opinion is that co-housing is going to be one of the most successful options for many of us in our elder years. My wife, not completely unserious, is polling our friends to see who wants to go in together and buy a nearby (and very nice) retirement home, then hire someone to take care of us. Given that we won't have pensions, social security won't be much, and the stock market has tanked - it would offer financial and social advantages. Why not live with our friends, instead of some doddering strangers!

On the other hand what i keep seeing in my eldercare patrols is an almost universal "head in the sand" approach to retirement living. Seniors in my town want to stay in the homes they have had for 30-40 years - even though the kids have grown up, grandchildren don't visit, and they can't afford to heat them or pay the taxes. "Not yet" is the mantra of my parents and the older people I know, even if it means living by themselves to the point they eventually have to be rescued by children or social services. My parents eventually went into a CCRC when it became obvious they had to - only luck kept them from an overdue disaster.

Perhaps if co-housing (or something like it) can get to the point where it is viewed as an attractive alternative, people might start planning ahead and making moves before they absolutely have to. Now, i just hope my wife and I can be that smart! Incidentally, i have been collecting articles to help children who need advice on how to talk with reluctant elders, as well other topics, written by my friend Maureen Lopes and some other experts. If you need that kind of help, check them out at http://www.topeldercares.com/eldercare-advice.html

[Hattie]

If we ever have to leave our Hawaiian home, god forbid, we have bought a condo unit in Seattle near our kids that is ready to move into. And this has the added benefit of being useful to us now, since we spend about three months a year there. We are familiar with the neighborhood and services and this would make the adjustment less severe.
The brand new assisted living building across from our condo is standing mostly unoccupied, I presume because prospective tenants could not sell their homes.
Be warned: those AL places will probably kick you out if you can't walk or need nursing care. This happened to my husband's 102 year old uncle after he took a bad fall.
My neighborhood has several very old people who have stayed in their houses in spite of the risks involved, and they are doing fine (so far). Of course they all still drive. I would not do that after age 80 myself. I could figure out other ways to get around. I am constantly driving my elderly neighbor who does not drive at night to various events.

[Nancy B]

Caveat: I work for a department in what you deem senior living. But this is NOT about where I work. It is a suggestion: do not be fast to condone any type of senior living housing. Make a list; pop in un-announced; go see for yourself. If you like what you see, ask if you could spend a weekend there to test it out (yes, most places will do that) and then try it all including talking to people who live there. Also, check pricing: ask if there are any add ons. A fee for living in a good place should include ALL of your costs. There should be no add ons. One last thing, ask what happens if you run out of money. A solid community will not put you out if you run out of money.

[Joan Wile]

Naomi, thanks for featuring this issue on your blog. I worry so about the next few yars. I'm 77 now and already somewhat incapacitated in my ability to walk -- but still functional. What does the future hold? I don't want to move in on my kids. That would be unsatisfactory for all of us. But, I've often thought it would be great to form a little collective of older folks and share duties, expenses, and caregiving if and when it's necessary. I would, of course, prefer to have such a domicile in Manhattan, a tall order, I'm afraid, given housing costs here.

[Women's Voices for Change]

Naomi - As someone who spent much of my young adulthood in intentional communities and have often wished there were more in the Northeast, I love seeing this issue more broadly discussed.

People are so afraid of change, so terrified of what today's housing market means. (For those still hoping to buy, a good friend and organizational-change consultant who's become a real estate broker in Portland has some thoughts today at our shop.) I fear that the idea of living with near-strangers will take more of a cultural shift than most people I know can handle. But we're in a time of such big changes - who knows?

[Alex Stewart]

Hi Naomi - -first, thanks for commenting on my blog, and letting me know about this conversaton. A few friends and I used to talk about this - how would we do our elder years? One image we had was a big house, sharing the front porch and and the common rooms, each having privacy and each knowing the others well enough to know we could adapt to the others idiosyncracies. It was a shared housing idea. Since then one is getting remarried, another had become reclusive, and I moved from the east to the west. Another image my sister and I have is moving to another country, where living is easier, less expensive and there is medical care. And then each of us ask, but we would be far from children and grandchildren. So no answers as yet. There are some great programs, 'Living in Place' is one, the coops that have been formed in the Boston area to provide service -lawn, grocery delivery, etc - for an annual membership fee and a small charge at the time of service. The reality is that this is a need that will continue to increase, as the boomers et al age as well.
BTW, when you come to PDX next week, call and we'll have coffee!
Alex

[Sharon McEachern]

Late-life living choices usually include getting your affairs in order -- prepaid funerals, cemetery burial plots, etc. Our country's economic crisis has created a number of ethical conundrums. A sign of the times, and one that effects seniors, is illustrated by what's heppening in Mooresville, N.C. The town has repossessed 11 cemetery plots, most of which are part of family plots, because people haven't paid their bills. There's an article on the repossessions at Ethic Soup blog:

http://www.ethicsoup.com/2008/12/death-dying-ethics-cant-afford-to-die-cemetary-plots-repossessed.html

Sharon McEachern

[Kate]

I, too am interested in this subject. I'll check back often.
Got here from your comment on my blog, and TGB, of course.
(oops, looks like our high winds may interrupt the internet connection - hope this works)
I'm following some of the links in these comments, so I'll be running into others of you. :)
Kate

[joared]

Am finally getting back here as I recalled not only RB but you were writing on this subject that has long been of interest to me. Aside from the fact my Rehab work has been largely with adults of all ages for quite a few years in a variety of different settings from acute care to outpatient and skilled facilities, I've been serving some traditional retirement communities.

They have the classic levels of care: Independent in homes and apts., assisted living and skilled care. One community is exploring a smaller shared house arrangement. I've received some input from current residents rejecting that concept. They disliked the idea of having to share in any work responsibilities, even emptying waste baskets, and expressed a distaste for every day always seeing the same faces at mealtime since there would be so few occupants in the house. What work a resident might be willing to perform could depend on how much is being paid to live in the setting in the first place, and how they perceive their place there.

For this setting there is also the issue of the combination nursing aide types workload. They would be wearing many hats including responsibility for the cooking, as I understand one scenario. There are three traditional retirement communities here within close proximity to each other (another in a nearby town with a special Alzheimer's unit) and numerous other apartment type accommodations surrounding the three. There are quite a few other varied settings of equally varied quality and cost in and around a larger geographical area. I've been in most of them at one time or another.

Comments above from Hattie and Nancy B. especially raise issues anyone thinking of moving into health care living settings should seriously consider. Be sure you know what the functional limits are to live in any Assisted Living setting. If you cease to meet that criteria you will have to leave for a lower level of care, probably to skilled nursing (SNF.) What and where would be the SNFs to which you might have to go? Also keep in mind there are social hierarchies as in any other place, but these may be more intense in a more concentrated setting.

On a personal level, since I became a widow over two years ago, have experienced the isolation of being sick and alone, I've been pondering my options. Basically, my intent has been to continue living in place in my home. More recently I've been thinking about other possible choices: rent a room to a local college student, get a roommate (but then when my family visited for a couple of weeks at a time.....); downsize, but to what and where? I don't want to be trying to follow around wherever my adult children might move to even though they might think now they won't be moving. I thought that, too, a few times in my life. I sometimes think I might like living in this city where I am in the winter and have the freedom of living elsewhere other times of the year -- where? different places? Is that even realistic at my 73 yrs? Guess it all depends on my health which we all know can change from one minute to the next. I still continue to work part time, and prefer to continue doing so here since I'm established, though I could probably work in any state. Given the economy, I'm reluctant to stop working until the world settles down, plus I like what I do. Still, it could be nice to be free of commitment.

Between you, and Ronni and any others, keep the dialogue going and maybe what others share will help me figure out what I want to do. There's always the eventuality my health will deteriorate, or I may be determined to have disintegrating marbles.

I've already asked my caring employers to let me know if they conclude I should retire and I will graciously do so. One is my contemporary who is equally active and the other is a young elder who welcomes my continuing to work. I've told them that if I'm not gracious when they ask me to retire they'll know for sure they're doing the right thing. That's what my mother told me years ago when she considered the possibility her thoughts might alter and I might have to make decisions for her.

[joared]

Geeze, I just read what became an epistle above. I should just have posted it on my blog. Maybe I still will.

[Terri]

This is such an important and also timely subject, so I'm glad you've initiated it as a category on your blog.
Prior to my husband retiring 4 years ago (at age 62) we lived in a large, 4 bedroom, 3 bath, home complete with large screened area with pool, hot tub and outdoor kitchen. We knew when he retired we wanted to downsize, but where?
France was always at the top of our list for many reasons. However, my 78 yr. old aunt was then living with us and France wasn't a realistic option. So we moved to our second favorite place of many years of visiting....Cedar Key, an island off the west coast of Florida and only 2 hr. north of where we'd lived for 18 years.
We'll be here 4 yr. in Feb. and never looked back. It is the ideal place for older people...free of crime, very small town so that everyone knows everyone, also people look out for each other and help each other, as much or as little socializing as one would prefer, and all of it surrounded by beauty and mother nature.
It was the perfect choice for us.....a moderate size home with 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, all on one level with no stairs. A huge circle of friends that all look out for each other. And I've come to see that many single seniors in their 80's and mid-90's live on the island quite well on their own because of all the above mentioned benefits.
I like having my own "space" so I'm not sure I'd do well in a facility setting at any age. My husband feels comfortable that should he go first, I will be able to function and maintain my own activities of daily living in the house and small town we're in. Some day outside assistance might be required, but I don't need to think about that now.
Good idea for starting this discussion,Naomi. I think people really NEED to begin thinking about this situation when they're in their mid-50s so they'll know the options and what will work best for them when the time comes. We're all different and we all will have different choices and requirements, but for us a small town was the answer for aging in the years to come.